Yes, it was horrifying. Mostly because the outdoor furniture seems to have gotten totally drunk off its ass and got laid. Well, I suppose that IS one way of coping.

No, really. We had a little bit of a blow (*cough*) and the rain was gentle. We got off easy.

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by Ed Averill

Chowing down salmon munch munch munch
Tasty and healthy a really good lunch
But oh this time I’m gettin’ some grief
‘Cause I’ve got dead fish stuck in my teeth

It’s those dead fish in my teeth blues
Soon the smell will be makin’ the news
Don’t get a toothpick, gimme an axe
I know it’s dead but it still attacks

Going on home before I hit the club
Think I’ll grab me a nice tuna sub
Mayo, hot sauce, sourdough bread
Now the thing is stuck in my head

It’s those dead fish in my teeth blues
Every time I eat some, I always lose
Don’t get a toothpick, gimme an axe
I know it’s dead but it still attacks

Used to have a girlfriend not any more
She saw the dead fish and showed me the door
Even the dentist is hatin’ on me
Instead of my teeth, it’s fish that he’ll see

It’s those dead fish in my teeth blues
Buying up floss yeah all I can use
Don’t get a toothpick, gimme an axe
I know it’s dead but it still attacks

(insert blues guitar solo here)

It’s those dead fish in my teeth blues
Soon the smell will make the news
Don’t get a toothpick, gimme an axe
I know it’s dead but it still attacks

(repeat chorus and fade out)

Mondays suck oh this is true
Can’t wait ’till this day is through
Office coffee tastes like mud
And my brain is filled with crud
Don’t quite feel like writing code
Energy’s in the commode
Green tea helps but not enough
Today’s looking to be rough!

Mondays bite like hissy snakes
Do I have just what it takes
To stay awake until I leave
I don’t think so, I believe
I’ll take a nap under my desk
Maybe dream of some burlesque
Stripper giving me the eye
While I just sit back and sigh!

Mondays are quite bad it’s true
Hope that I can make it through
Coffee guzzled by the mug
Caffeine is a helpful drug
At least indoors it is warm
Sitting in a huge cube farm
So I grouse and make a fuss
‘Till it’s time to catch the bus!

First, the AVG totally trashing Windows 7 64-bit systems!

And if that wasn’t enough punishment: Ventblockers II: The Return! On this one, be sure you have a strong constitution before you look. Not recommended for the faint of heart.

OK, I don’t need to watch the Sci-Fi Channel tonight at all.

Pre Windows7: How to Re-size the Boot Partition

Step 1:

As always before beginning any major disk operation: BACK UP ALL DATA AND APPLICATIONS.

Step 2:

Boot from Windows Install Disk

Step 3:

When prompted that a current installation of Windows was detected and asked if you wish to repair, Select ‘No’ or otherwise bypass this option.

Step 4:

When prompted about installing Windows on the Current partition, select the “Set up / Select Partition Option” (for clarity – this option has a different name and description for each version of Windows).

Step 5:

Select the partition and then choose “Delete” (or, depending on the version of Windows, select “Delete Partition” and then choose the partition). Answer “Yes” when asked if you are sure

Step 6:

After Partition is deleted, choose “Create New Partition”. Look at list of available spaces. Realize that Windows, being the premier OS in the universe, will not span other partitions or drives or otherwise behave usefully like other, lesser OS’s and that you are now going to have to delete the OTHER partitions on this physical drive as well in order to free up a single, continuous space for Windows to create a partition in. Hope you backed those up as well…

Step 7:

Curse longly and profusely. Feel free to create your own variations and compound profanities. Ponder just what sort of genes and upbringing could inspire a purportedly intelligent and competant programmer to gimp up so badly. Ponder traveling to Redmond, WA to physically assault various MS employees until they agree to identify the guilty party so that you may apply the correct combination of intense heat, pressure and sharp, spikey objects to sensitive areas on said individual to get the point across that this was a less than desirable decision on their part. After basking in said fantasy for a while (and calming down), return to computer.

Step 8:

Recreate boot partition. The same size as it was before – as that is all the area free in that location. Format and begin the wonderful, refreshing and fulfilling process of installing Windows… again.

Step 9:

Backup data and apps from the OTHER partitions that you didn’t backup earlier (since you didn’t plan on changing them). Realize you don’t have enough storage media to back this up to as well. Scream profanities at the ceiling.

Step 10:

Grab keys and go to store to buy more media. End up going to 3 different stores all over town because the first two were inexplicably out of what you needed – even though the other day when you were there (and didn’t buy any) the shelves were full. Return home hours later.

Step 11:

Fight with backup device that suddenly decides to not work and discover that the media is the wrong type. Apparently there are now TWO (or more) variations of the type you use and the only difference in the appearance or packaging is the near-microscopic plus sign ( ‘+’ ) after the last letter. Your device, being the older version, will not use the new, enhanced version.

Step 12:

Grab everything and return to the store to discover that, not only will they not give you a refund on the ones you bought (since they were opened and one ‘used’), but they no longer carry the prior version because all the new devices will use both. They do cheerfully offer to sell you a new backup device though.

Step 13:

Leave before the police arrive due to the nature of your… ‘answer’ to their cheerful offer.

Step 14:

Go to 2 more stores before an actual Helpful employee offers to call around for what you need (which, in your anger and frustration had not even occurred to you – feel free to feel very foolish at this point, Lord knows we at Microsoft feel you are). Employee returns to tell you that he found a store that still has ONE box of your version left and is holding it for you.

Step 15:

Begin to cry as he directs you back to the first store you tried today. Scrape together the shreds of your dignity and leave, thanking the employee.

Step 16:

Go to first store where smarmy employee makes a joke about not realizing anyone “… still used this old stuff anymore” as he rings you up. Realize that the police are probably still looking for you from earlier and resist the near-overwhelming urge to ‘point out’ that this was top shelf technology just last month. Mumble something that sounds remotely like ‘thank you’ and return home.

Step 17:

Sullenly back up your data on your shiny new obsolete media. Begin backing up everything, but when you see how long it is going to take decide to only back up the things you need/actually use. Get halfway through, think again, and add the rest of the stuff after realizing you are certain to forget something vital otherwise.

Step 18:

Boot from Windows Install Disk. Return to Partition Deletion/Creation menu. Delete partitions while muttering angrily under your breath.

Step 19:

Create Your New EXPANDED Partition! Just the size you wanted! Just like it should have been installed in the first place! Sit back and watch as the disk is SLLLOOOWWWWLLY formatted yet again, wondering why the heck does it need to be formatted so many times.

Step 20:

Create Your other partitions as desired. Walk to the other room while waiting on them to format and notice your pillow on the couch. Realize that it is now 10:00pm at night and that you had plans for this (past) afternoon and evening with your spouse (and kids if applicable) whom you had promised “… this won’t take long” this morning when you began at Step 1. Consider checking the bedroom doorknob, but realize it doesn’t really matter if it is locked and waking them up now isn’t a ‘good’ option anyway.

Step 21:

While (still) waiting for partitions to format, go into kitchen to scrounge for food, as you are very hungry now that you know how much time has passed. Find that all the leftovers and ingredients have been either been thrown away or put in the freezer. Pour yourself a bowl of kids cereal and sit down to enjoy your dinner.

Step 22:

Begin Windows installation on the Boot partition. Skip most of the drivers and other periphial detections since you are going to restore from your Back-ups anyway, which will restore all of that to just how you had it configured. Finish base install so you can run the Backup/Restore utility.

Step 23:

Run Restore utility and discover that Windows cannot talk to your media device. Upon inspection you will find that the driver did not load correctly. After a bit of reading and troubleshooting, you find that it requires (for some totally baffling reason) that this driver requires that the driver for the advanced motherboard media controls be installed and correctly configured before install.

Step 24:

Uninstall device drivers and install prerequisite driver FIRST before reinstalling device driver. Discover that… again for some reason not clear at this time, that driver is not on the disk you thought it was and begin the ‘Grand Search’ for the correct driver disk and wonder at the waste of having a sub-100k file (and ONLY that file) pressed onto a separate 640MB CD. Finally find CD somewhere totally unrelated to its function (and possibly even to computers). Install and configure drivers in the ‘proper’ order.

Step 25:

Discover that the required media controller STILL will not load correctly. Verify that you installed in the listed order and go searching for the meaning of the esoteric error number displayed.

Step 26:

Find a DIFFERENT trouble shooting notation that states that before the ‘Advanced Motherboard Media Controls’ driver can be properly installed, the graphics drivers for the installed video adapter must be installed.

Step 27:

Repeat Steps 24 – 26 for (respectively) the Video Adapter drivers, the motherboard advance video options drivers, the motherboard advanced features driver, the chipset driver, the motherboard advanced bus controller driver, the motherboard memory bus controller driver and the motherboard features driver – but NOT the other 19 various motherboard, peripheral and USB drivers you also try to install in a vain hope of ‘getting it all this time’.

Step 28:

Find that you still need one more driver, loaded first, to be up and running before installing the others – the Motherboard Host Controller driver. Luckily, you actually KNOW where this disk is. Unluckily because you are using it as a coaster because it is ruined and won’t read anymore when your spouse accidentally knocked it off the desk and rolled the chair over it while using the computer. Don’t sob on the keyboard, you big baby – you’ll short it out next.

Step 29:

Go use your spouse’s computer to get on the Internet. Go to the company-that-you-purchased-the-computer-from’s (or motherboard manufacture’s) website. Discover they no longer keep an online copy of the driver you need as that motherboard is now obsolete and unsupported. Begin searching the web and various tech support forums until you find the file!! Congratulations Sir Percival, you have found the Grail!

Step 30:

Copy the file to a thumb drive and return to your computer to install it. Discover that your computer needs the exact same media controller to load before it can read your thumb drive. Scream plaintive queries at the deity of your choice about your situation, what did you do to deserve this, etc. etc. and proceed to make increasingly restrictive and bizarre vows if this will just work—until the cold shiver from the edge of the butcher’s knife being held under your chin by your now-awake spouse return you to the (new) problem at hand.

Step 31:

Do not attempt to touch the knife, your spouse, or even back away from the edge resting firmly against your throat. Calmly and in a quiet voice say, “I am sorry for waking you up. It was very inconsiderate of me.” Most likely your spouse will retract the blade, turn and leave without saying a word—if so, DON’T SAY ANYTHING YOURSELF! JUST LOOK CONTRITE. If not… well, you’d better think fast.

Step 32:

Return (quietly) to your spouse’s computer while contemplating how to get the file onto your computer. Reason that since the only thing it WILL read is a CD, decide to copy the file to a CD.

Step 32:

(Optional): Realize that the other computer does not HAVE the ability to copy the file to CD and attempt to take the CD RW drive out of your computer and connect it to this one (along with all associated driver installations) so you can copy the file. Refer to tech support document #1286541324-2 Titled “Oh You Optimistic, Desperate, Screwed Bastard!”

for step by step instructions.

<deep breath, takes a drink of water>

Step 33:

As you sit there, in the dark, quiet dead of night copying a sub-100k file to a CD, realize you now have the answer to your earlier question.

Step 34:

Return to your computer, triumphant but battered hero that you are, with CD. Uninstall the other drivers. Install the Motherboard Host Controller Driver. Re-install the other appropriate drivers in their proper order, verifying after each that they loaded. Reboot the 27th time.

Step 35:

Open the Restore utility. Stare in utter dumbfounded despairing amazement as an Error message displays that tells you that Windows needs to be patched through product update patch # 417,386-k before this utility will run. Jump up in concern as the lights in the room begin to flicker irregularly only to discover it is actually a spastic twitch you seem to have developed in your right eye. Begin installing the network drivers so you can log on to the Internet. See tech support document #88882312-hahaha Titled “Hope You Don’t Have Plans Anytime Soon” for step by step instructions for configuring your Windows PC to connect to the World Wide Web.

Step 36:

If you got this far – congratulate yourself! You are one determined, masochistic individual! Open Internet Explorer, select ‘Tools’ menu and then select ‘Windows Update’.

Warning! DO NOT even CONSIDER using one of those ‘other’ browsers for this or the updates will ‘accidentally’ improperly install and corrupt your Windows installation!! Allow Microsoft to install the ‘Update Tool’ that will inspect and explore your computer for (heh heh heh) any needed updates or patches. After the Update Tool is installed and runs, select all applicable updates and press Install.

Step 37:

Blankly stare at the “Estimated Time Required: 2 hrs 47 minutes” box with the unmoving progress bar and cheerfully bouncing file folder. You have a broadband connection… in that time you could download the entire Library of Congress or every pixel of 2 HD movies including bonus features or… ponder just what in <deity of your choosing—who must hate you>’s name are they POSSIBLY loading onto your computer that could take THAT long?!?! Consider that, since it is after 2 am, you might as well retire to the couch for some sleep. But, as you go to stand up…

Step 38:

Endless EULA acceptance phase. Read the little box that pops up, asking if you want to install this patch that you just went through so much TO get to. Realize it will wait until Eternity +1 for you to answer, stopping ALL progress. Click ‘Yes’. Now read the EULA (right – like you are actually going to read 20+ pages of legalese that you could not possibly have less understanding of if it were printed in Sanskrit pig-Latin) and accept. Now watch as it asks you if you wish to install it to the installation of Windows in your ‘C:\Windows\’ location (the ONLY one on the computer). Click ‘Yes’. Watch in horror as the program, which took 5 minutes to download takes less than 3 seconds to run… and then pops up a window telling you it needs to reboot your machine before preceding. Click “Reboot Now”

Step 39:

Repeat Step 38 for EACH of the 67 updates to YOUR copy of Windows. Marvel at the ‘efficiency’ and ‘benefits’ of having such a tool that will customize its update process to your individual piece of software rather than… say… a single file that would handle the version of Windows you own. Realize you are not going to get ANY sleep as you sit here and mindlessly click a seemingly random combination of ‘Yes’, ‘Accept’ and ‘Reboot Now’ prompts.

Step 40:

After the (actual) last reboot to patch your machine up to the required level, select and run the Restore utility. Marvel as it prompts you to insert the media. Wait. Wait. Wait. Select the backup from the displayed list for your old C (boot) partition.

Step 41:

Stand slowly as you read the displayed message: “Current Drive Partition is of a different Size than the Source partition of the Backup File Selected. Restore Canceled” Mindlessly mumble ‘no… no…’ repeatedly as you realize that you have absolutely NO idea what the exact, to the byte size of the old partitions was to even go through the Hell of recreating them to allow you to retrieve your data. Stare in quaking rage and horror at the, now pointless, backup media you bought last night.

Step 42:

Roar. Bellow profanities and vile implications so twisted… so dire.. so evil that the birds awakening to the dawn outside fall dead from the tree limbs and purple, shadowy smoke begins to issue from the electrical sockets to creep across the floor and swirl at your feet. Scream in forgotten, primordial tongues lost to mankind’s knowledge but imprinted on the primitive ‘Lizard Brain’ portion of humanity by Elder Gods promises and threats so obscene that even The Nameless retches sickly in response.

Step 43:

The distinct double-clack of a shotgun having a round jacked into the chamber should, about now, draw your attention to the doorway – where your spouse stands somewhat worriedly pointing said firearm at your glowing form, “Honey… just stop and calm down… you’ve turned the kids into newts!” Insanely laugh and joyously shout, “But they’ll get better!!” Rush to the kitchen to make yourself a tinfoil hat (see attached diagram) for your new life as a homeless street person babbling about conspiracy theories and Microsoft taking over the world.

Please!

Take a moment to give us your Feedback! Did you find this Document helpful to your problem? Do you need a pronunciation guide for the ancient tongue or steps in removing any extra eyes or limbs acquired in Step 42? Please email us at: TheOldOnes@techsupport.microsoft.com

I just have to say, firefighters should know better than to cook naked. What was he thinking? Talk about unsafe!

o_0   ”This is bizzarro”
0_o   ”Yep, still strange”
=_0   ”Let’s try with one eye to see if it looks any better”
0_=   ”Maybe close the other eye?”
=_=   *squint* or, “I take a dim view of this”
0_0   ”Yikes!”
>_<   ”Godammit”
8_8   ”Aliens clearly invented this”
@_@   ”Holy cow!” or big puppy-dog eyes
9_9   ”There they go again”, eyes rolling
e_e   “Good grief”
Q_Q   ”Uh oh”
*_*   ”I. Want. That.”
6_9   ”I’ve gone completely nuts!”
T_T   *sniffle*
u_u   just napping
^_^   smile
n_n   even smilier
>.>   ”Do you think they noticed?”
<.<   ”Nope, don’t think they did”
.__.   ”Bored now. Can I leave?”
x_X   ”Kill me now, please” i.e., Friday afternoons and early Monday mornings
~_^   *wink!*

* * *
You may now return to your regularly scheduled serious business.

The BPA Sent Help

Courtesy of Ed Averill of Austin, TX:

Frozen Zombie-Land (To the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Sirens blare, are you listening,
In a pool, blood is glistening
A horrible sight,
Surely a fright.
Screaming in a frozen zombie-land.

Gone away are the living
Lots of brains, they were giving
We’re shouting in fear
As they grow near
Screaming in a frozen zombie-land.

In the meadow we can stack the corpses,
Plenty of them all around the town
We’ll say: are they buried?
They’ll say: no man!
A zombies place just isn’t underground!

Later on, we’ll perspire
As we set them afire
We’re deathly afraid
Of the monsters we’ve made
Screaming in a frozen zombie-land.